Thanks mommy

My love for writing and my need to write can be attributed to my mom. I'm sure she didn't fully realize what she was doing at the time, but she would always force me to write for/about anything. When I did something bad and I got in trouble, my mom would ask me to write 1) why I thought I was getting in trouble 2) how I felt... before she even got to the part where she hon-nae (disciplined) me. I remember when she first told me to do this, even in my young child-like head I was like "are you serious? I just got in trouble by you and now you want me to write about it? Can you just yell at me and get this over with? " In that state of anger and embarrassment of getting disciplined, the last thing I wanted to do was verbalize my feelings and put them on paper. There's something about admitting your faults and mistakes on paper that makes it all, so official. But because I've gotten into the habit of doing this, I find myself doing it even now without her forcing me to. She taught me how to express myself in words, being sure to say what I want to say and in the process understanding myself better. Sometimes I prefer writing down my prayers, I've realized that they are more focused and I guess in a sense pure, as it is easier to utter words as opposed to writing them down. Sometimes I can't even sleep at night if I try to sleep with too many thoughts inside my head at which point I'll pull out my computer or journal and just scribble it all out. Miraculously, I'll be able to sleep just fine afterward.

This past break my mom pulled out one of these aforementioned "jal mot het suh yo" letters. I learned, she still has each and every one of those that I've written - in my fits of anger, upset, humiliation, and regret. "Look how much you've grown since then" she says..."I'm so proud of you."

I think I'll teach my kids to do the same. They may think I'm crazy at the time (or simply cruel), but they can thank me later... on their own blog :)