Healing

Disclaimer: This entry is kind of long. So long that I got tired while writing it, which is why I'm continuing it now.

After a crazy week (that isn't quite over yet) of a little too much to handle, I sit and think back with a sigh of relief. I made it, I'm on the other side & still alive. When we can't handle, God gives us an oasis. He never pushes us beyond what we can bear and I think for me it's because along the way He lets me know "hey, don't worry I haven't forgotten about you I am still here." It's important to me, and I've blogged about it before. On Thursday I was fatigued, so overwhelmed and still so thirsty, for something. I tried to alleviate my tiredness by going home after class instead of work and napping. But knowing me, I couldn't sleep a wink. I always get so distracted by my computer, like getting stuff done, turning stuff in, working on stuff, blogging, surfing the web, etc. Frustrated with myself for not sleeping the 2 hrs, I went back to campus early to drop off some library books that were a day overdue. But as I got off the bus on Telegraph I noticed a familiar back walking ahead of me, it was Nina walking to Walgreens early before our class started at 3:30. What were the chances? We accompanied each other to our respective destinations and on the way had an amazing conversation that allowed us to sympathize and empathize with one another, laugh and talk, share and pray with one another, all in front of Dwinelle minutes before our class started. It was instant, this was the rejuvenation I needed, not a 2 hour nap. This refreshed my soul, not my body. "God, how did you know..how did you know all that I needed. Thank you. You're the best :)"

Then yesterday I finally got myself to do the evangelism portion of the coaching manual with Diane. I had been pushing it off for so long. It scares me, honestly. I think I could do it in Cambodia with simple pictures, dramas, and broken conversations. But it's not quite the same when the person you're speaking to can completely understand every single word leaving your mouth, when that person can reject you, persecute you with words that are all too clear to comprehend. Before we got to Sproul I honestly told Diane, that I was scared and that I was not looking forward to this. But we prayed and asked God for boldness and fearlessness and that He place that specific person in our path. We started walking toward Sproul and spotted this guy with a Chipotle burrito eating alone on the steps. I immediately liked his choice for dinner (me and that weird connection I have to mexican food..) As we got closer Diane recognized him, they had been in the same Calso or something like that. A brief acquaintance good enough to be facebook friends but still not best buds. As we talked more we found out that he and I are actually going to be taking the same summer school class. No, Diane and I didn't save a soul last night. But we did befriend someone who was eating alone, and we did build a friendship that could possibly lead to greater things, maybe he could go to church knowing there was something he was going for more than a social crowd. For some reason I don't think it was coincidence that Diane had already met him before and that he and I are going to be taking the same class this summer. For some reason I think our one day evangelism for coaching turned into something that'll last a little longer than one day.

After evangelism (sorry this is getting so long) we went to our very last large group. It was chill, we sat in a circle and shared & reflected on this past year. Looking back on this year, it's amazing. I was so broken, in such darkness and loneliness for quite a long time. Hurt by church, hurt by church people, hurt by my own self. So hesitant to try again, so scared to give it a try. So confused and disappointed in myself, with no one to go to and no one to share with. But every Sunday that followed that first one when I stepped in Livingwater, PJ has spoken truth that pierced my heart. Each time it convicted me, to make changes in my own life. To let go of the things that were the roots of sin, to stop what was hurting, and to be able to open up to every good and perfect gift, every good and perfect fig that God had in store for me instead. And when I did, it started a healing process. I still remember Pastor Helen from NYFG's sermon that was probably the sermon that broke me to pieces. Her explanation of the restoration process was beautiful and I had to write about it once I came home. It made sense, it was clear that God wanted to start a restoration process within me. But me? Who am I? Why? What for? What good could from restoring me? But once I did obey, once I did let him take me under that fire, it's been nothing but a growing process since then. Getting plugged into a community of people who love and care for me, support and pour into me. It's been more than amazing. Livingwater has been such a fig in my life.

I want to blog about KCM too. I need to. But I'll save that for another entry.