A.D.D. post

I wish I could just teleport across campus. I won't even be greedy and say teleport in general...just campus. From HAAS, to Dwinelle, to GBC, to Tolman (on Mondays only), Wheeler, and the bus stop, Oh yes and home. I usually enjoy walking around campus, but my legs are giving out on me today. I had to come back to work twice today, which doesn't make anything better. Or maybe one of those little golf cart cars that cruise around..those would be nice too.

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My desk area at home is a mess and it makes me feel uneasy. I really need to go home and clean today...that will refresh me. Every morning I have to make my bed as soon as I get up, I'm not really OCD about anything other than having a made bed every single day. I just don't like seeing my bed unmade, I love being able to lift the covers and get under every night, hehe. I am weird I know.

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I've recently been discovering more and more cool aspects about Google as a result of the extra time I have on my hands while I'm at work. (I don't think that's grammatically correct but I'm a little too tired/lazy to go back and fix it right now) There's google reader, and google docs makes life so much easier, and I finally think I got an idea of why they have that starring option, so the important emails & things you have to respond to can stick out! (right? that's why it's there, right?)

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I really really suck at telling stories. I admit it. They're just not fun or funny when I tell them. I decided not to tell them if I don't have to. If I can ask someone else to tell it I will. I wish I could just write everything out sometimes...I'm so much more coherent when I write (unless this ADD post begs to differ)

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Okay time for class, thanks for tuning in, to the ramblings of my mind :)

Winged Victory of Samothrace

The Winged Victory of Samothrace

My memory isn't the best (those who've been around me lately can attest, as I have been a forgetful bundle of mess as of late) but there are certain exact moments at a time that I will never, ever be able to erase from my memory. When it comes to these particular recollections I can remember every single detail from that exact moment, what I was wearing, where I was standing, the smell in the air, the thoughts that were rushing through my head. One such moment was when I turned the corner in the Louvre and found myself staring straight at this statue. I remember walking up the stairs toward it and being more and more amazed as I drew closer. She was beautiful, she was strong...she was elegantly victorious..even in her broken state.Even when lacking arms, this statue was breathtaking...most definitely my favorite in the entire museum. Something about her grandeur that can be so eloquently conveyed despite the batter of the storms and the damage that she's taken. The power this evokes...I still can't describe it. I need to go back, just to stand there again.

home is home

inspired by Jenny's post :)

I miss getting woken up at 9 every morning...simply because my mom can't stand seeing me sleep in and waste the day away. She's the reason I can't really nap even when I'm tired.

I miss bothering eunyoung by singing nacho libre to her when she's trying to study for AP biology. And then falling asleep on her bed and making her sleep on my bed instead.

I miss the rush of 5 people in the house getting ready for church on Sunday mornings. As early as we do have to get up, it's just a nice adrenaline rush when I'm running from the shower to the bathroom downstairs to brush my teeth and then zipping up my mom's dress on the way down, grabbing an apple slice my mom cut for all of us. And then running back upstairs to get my mom's advice on my outfit and vice versa.

I miss the way my mom jumps into my bed in the morning when she wants to wake me up because her body will make my bed instantaneously cold. But then...most mornings I just complain for 2 seconds and we both fall back asleep for about...30 more minutes of blissful sleep.

I miss going to Starbucks randomly at 8 PM with shwang & nasus, to "work on stuff" but really just talk..get out of the house, listen to each other, vent, go see Ross & the other lady.

I miss doing the dishes alone at home when my parents are out. I can turn up the music and sing my heart out for no one to hear :) Just me and Jesus. and the dishes. T-hee.

I miss our compulsive shopping days in Old Town Pasadena. Same places, all the time. Zara, Urban, 21 Choices, Neo 39, H&M. We are so predictable<3

I miss taking jogs around my neighborhood. I've been meaning to do it in Berkeley too but...I never seem to be able to give myself enough time before drama team meetings on Saturday mornings. Plus the rain just doesn't help anymore. Perhaps when it stops raining so much...

"I was in Burbank today and I thought I'd just hop on a plane to go & see you today. I wish I could have" -- my mommy.

supernatural strength

Lord,

Give me strength to get through this week. Let me take each day as a gift you've given me. Give me new blessings, and renew my strength each morning. I need to cling to you, and I need strength, beyond what sleep and food can give me. Give me energy to get out of bed in the morning, to go through each motion, not to get through it but to really give You glory. So I can be responsible for what you've given me. I need You. So hide me in your wings, let me run and not grow weary, let me walk and not be faint. New mercies today.

MoMA

Yesterday for our day off, Sarah and I went off for a little date. We went to the MoMA (Museum of Modern Art) in San Francisco. Since we both took Art History our first semesters at Cal we decided to put what we learned to good use what professor Muller taught us. Honestly, there wasn't exactly one painting that I truly liked enough to pull out my polaroid and illegally snap a shot away. I saw my favorites, I considered the Rothko but decided against it once the security lady with the scary furrowed eyebrows gave me the evil eye. I cruised past the new exhibits, the old ones that I remembered from last year. I stood in the same spots I did last year when I went to check it out, thought for a few moments how much I've changed within the year that I last stood in that exact same place.

Photo Courtesy: Shwang

But there was one exhibit that did stay with me. It was some photographer who basically just photographed a bunch of headshots of an eclectic group of people, all different kinds - male, female, happy, miserable, wrinkled, youthful. As I stood in that room, surrounded by four walls of different strangers I wondered the story behind each person's photograph. The reason for that scar under their eye... the explanation for the dirt stained on their shirt collar. I wish I knew, I wish I could hear their stories, and share it with the world. "It's the ordinary people that make this world turn each and every day."

Everyone has a story.

Sister

If someone asked me who were closest to my heart, it would be my younger sister Grace. She's my baby sister, but over the years she's grown quite big and is now even taller than I am. (not bitter, I promise) My mom once told me that the greatest and most valuable gifts she could ever leave the 3 of us with were each other as siblings are the oldest relationships you'll have in your entire life. And I thought about her words, and it's true. (My mom is my role model....she's such a woman of wisdom.) I love my sister so much, but she's not an easy one to love for me. When I was reading the Love Languages novel it was like I was reading and learning all about her and my relationship. I send her emails, long stories, pages about my life in Berkeley...the people in my life, the things God is teaching me, new ways to do QT, study tips, essay edits, ask her to update me on how she's doing, I send postcards and I don't get anything in return. Just a "unny I got your email, thanks" would suffice, but nothing. I call her whenever I get the chance, and she doesn't pick up (she doesn't like to talk on the phone, she doesn't even talk with her boyfriend) but still. In many ways it is discouraging to love my sister, especially when I am away and not physically close. A few times I've told myself I was going to give up on her, but how could I when she's my little sister. I've brought it up to her a few times, and she's admitted to appreciating the little things I do but, it ends there. My sister is really good at giving gifts, big expensive ones and small thoughtful ones. She decided not to eat dinner one night in London so she could get me this one coat...I was the only one she bought anything for from that trip and when I was leaving for Cambodia this past summer she made me a jar of folded stars that you can make at home. And she wrote a bible verse and a few encouraging words on the inside, she made 31 one for each day I was out on the mission field. Her love languages aren't quite the same as mine, but I can see her love for me. And while it does not manifest itself in the emails in my inbox...I know, and understand, that she does care in her very own way.

There are some people who come naturally to love. They are easy to pour into, because they give and receive the exact same way you do. But then there are people like my sister, they are difficult and discouraging to share with, love into. But Jesus didn't limit himself to the people who were easy to love, people who gave back just as much as he did. Who could possibly deserve his abounding love if that were the case? In ministry, there are some people who naturally fit into the arms you spread out. And then...the people who fall off the edges, and can go seemingly unnoticed. Lord - help me to see those people, stretch my arms farther...make my heart deeper.

I don't know anyone who blogs as much as I do....does that make me a loser? 

Most relaxing Valentines day in a long time. Did 3 loads of laundry all day because I was so ecstatic that our washer was finally in working condition again. I feel like I washed and dried everything I own. Then got together with some friends to eat mexican food (hehe, i <3 class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">He's Just Not That Into You. It was really good! It weaves the story of six relationships in a Love Actually-esque way and therefore makes you feel like you're watching 6 chick flicks instead of just one. I didn't realize it, but I think I really needed to watch a chick flick. I just needed to "aww" and cry at something and get myself all involved in the love stories of other people for 2 hours, haha. We ended up going to a newly renovated theater so they had leather reclining seats and couches to sit on...we were so happy :) 

no school tomorrow! yesssss.

I really need to study & work hard this week, starting Tuesday.

Valentines Day

I realized I have no food at home. I've been so busy these past two weeks I haven't had the chance to go grocery shopping. I literally only have water, ooyoo bbang, tapatio, peanut butter and jelly with some special k and no milk. This is very sad, this hasn't happened to me...ever. So busy busy busy. So busy I haven't even noticed until now.  (What have I been eating for the past two weeks???) And the weather has been so horrible that the idea of even going is kind of undesirable. I'm going to go tomorrow. Rain you can't faze me!

Today was Livingwater's Valentines Day Banquet. Pastor Josh gave a short 10 minute message but his words were powerful, despite his confusion with the direction in which the sun rises and sets. Love is willed. God's love toward us is willed, and our love is meant to be the same. It is not just about the fluttered emotions or the attraction that is so easy to come by and can just as easily be taken away. That makes love a hard thing to do, because it is conscious and at times, unnatural. How do you love someone who's never there for you, or someone who's just not nice to you, someone who's constantly turning their back on you, someone who never sees you, absorbed in their own world a little too much. Jesus, how do you do it to me, how do you constantly pursue me the way you do. May I love like you, see like you, desire like you. 

Thanks mommy

My love for writing and my need to write can be attributed to my mom. I'm sure she didn't fully realize what she was doing at the time, but she would always force me to write for/about anything. When I did something bad and I got in trouble, my mom would ask me to write 1) why I thought I was getting in trouble 2) how I felt... before she even got to the part where she hon-nae (disciplined) me. I remember when she first told me to do this, even in my young child-like head I was like "are you serious? I just got in trouble by you and now you want me to write about it? Can you just yell at me and get this over with? " In that state of anger and embarrassment of getting disciplined, the last thing I wanted to do was verbalize my feelings and put them on paper. There's something about admitting your faults and mistakes on paper that makes it all, so official. But because I've gotten into the habit of doing this, I find myself doing it even now without her forcing me to. She taught me how to express myself in words, being sure to say what I want to say and in the process understanding myself better. Sometimes I prefer writing down my prayers, I've realized that they are more focused and I guess in a sense pure, as it is easier to utter words as opposed to writing them down. Sometimes I can't even sleep at night if I try to sleep with too many thoughts inside my head at which point I'll pull out my computer or journal and just scribble it all out. Miraculously, I'll be able to sleep just fine afterward.

This past break my mom pulled out one of these aforementioned "jal mot het suh yo" letters. I learned, she still has each and every one of those that I've written - in my fits of anger, upset, humiliation, and regret. "Look how much you've grown since then" she says..."I'm so proud of you."

I think I'll teach my kids to do the same. They may think I'm crazy at the time (or simply cruel), but they can thank me later... on their own blog :)

I have two holes in my rainboots.

I've known they were there for awhile now, probably since last year's winter. But I haven't done much about them. Some days more water would seep in than others. Some days my socks would get damp and other days they'd be fine. So I didn't do much about the holes. I figured they would be okay, I guess.

I checked them again today.

The holes are so much bigger than I last remembered them to be. They stretched all the way to the other side already. My rainboots don't serve much purpose now.

If you don't fix what is broken...you can't expect it to get any better on its own. It will remain broken, and only get worse. Seems like such an obvious truth.

Renewed Promises

In Cambodia, there are 3 seasons. Dry, Wet, and Monsoon. When my team went this past summer, we happened to arrive right during the transition period from the dry to rainy season. So the first two weeks we were there, we struggled with water shortage. Soon we ran out of water to flush with, shower with, brush teeth with, and eventually even to drink. In Cambodia, long periods of drought translates to no work, no food, and lots of waiting...for water from the heavens. Our team gathered every day to pray for water. And after two weeks, it rained, and it poured. My team leader said it was God's mercy, God's grace, manna.

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Before that summer, I never liked rainy days. The rain gets everywhere, it's cold, and it smells. But my mom always told me how much she loved the days after it rains--the skies are cleared, the air is crisp, and the dirtiness of earth is washed away.

I was instantly reminded of why my mom loved the days right after it rained as I stepped out of class and started walking home today. The sky was a beautiful blue without a cloud in sight and despite the biting cold, it was absolutely beautiful. It reminds me of the rainbow that God gave to Noah and his ark after 40 days of rainy storms. I feel like each day after it rains is a renewed promise that God gives us...a promise that He will never forsake us, or leave us. "See? Don't forget that I am still here, my arms are still around you, here is my promise to you"

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Your manna, Your promise.

Your grace is sufficient for me.

Family

I've been so busy the past two days that I haven't had much of a chance to call my mom. The only times I really could was early early in the morning and really late at night so I just didn't call her. My dad called me today at around 9:30, telling me my mom was bbejed. I feel like a guy in a relationship, haha. I <3>

Summer 2008

This picture makes me smile. 

I miss my family.. I miss waking up every day to kiss my dad on the cheek as he left for work and getting attacked by his scruffy stubble when he didn't get the chance to shave. I miss driving around and running errands with my mom and having all our best conversations in the car, I miss singing Nacho Libre songs and saying Nacho Libre quotes with my sister, and playing unfair one on one basketball with my brother. 

google is so cool

I recently discovered "google tasks" on my gmail account. It is so amazing! I love lists and being able to check things off as they are completed...this lets me do that, while I'm g-chatting, emailing, and such. How awesome! Simple joys and pleasures helps my heart to remain thankful.

Watched "My Teacher Kim Bongdu" in Korean class today. Really loved it, reminded me so much of Cambodia and my students there. I miss them...they've been on my mind. Highly recommend!

I spent $150 on plane tickets for spring break...sigh. My birthday always comes so close to spring break but not quite there.

My Thursday night all for myself was so much fun and so effective. I'm only 1% away from being an introvert. Dang, personality tests.

Blogs, 25 Facts

When I studied blogs and its increasing power and presence in our generation in my media studies class last semester, my professor said that bloggers willingly disclose information about themselves/their lifestyles/their thought processes to the internet. Each blogger carefully chooses (consciously or unconsciously) how they portray themselves on an internet webpage. Whether the readers are people they know or do not know, each blogger maintains a certain identity about themselves through the things they post on their blog: words, videos, music, links to other webpages and the like.

Since that lecture, her words remain in the back of my head each time I start another blog post. And I don't think it's a stretch to say that every blogger does so in his/her own way. "Hmph! I don't want people to peek into my life...that's creepy...I don't want them to know that.." But isn't that what we want when we put ourselves out there? At the same time, however, we each exercise our own freedom -- to say what we want to say, to trade off some information about ourselves to read and learn about others.

Recently the "25 things about me" facebook note has become quite the trend. I did it yesterday while at work, and within 24 hours my notifications have exponentially increased with more and more friends disclosing information about themselves, their habits, and their likes/dislikes. It's secretly a lot of fun, people are telling me what they have in common with me and I've been doing the same. It's odd that this one has been so popular when a couple months ago the same exact concept but with only 16 facts instead of 25 didn't get so much attention among my arena of facebook friends at least. It's fun, to learn facts about our friends -- the things that wouldn't normally come up in an everyday conversation, especially all 25 at once. It's also interesting and quite a learning experience for yourself as you sit there and try to come up with these facts about yourself, things you wouldn't normally let your mind wander to.

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I'm going to take today off after classes end at 5. Do laundry, watch some tv, make dinner, clean the house, journal, listen to music, drink tea in my pjs. I think it'll be good for me.

Thankful for cherry blossoms

During this past weekend in SD I stole some time away for myself. "Daughter, come spend time with me," he said. I closed my eyes to pray and when I opened them back up, this is what I saw.

Immediately I was mesmerized, basking in the warm sunlight as it crept its way through the branches of the tree. The sky was so blue in all directions for as far as I could see. 

I looked just a little farther and saw this. Instantly reminded that He is the creator and center of this all. All this beauty and majesty, made by Him and for Him. 

Then once I came back to Berkeley I discovered that we actually have Cherry Blossom trees planted on the sidewalks on my street! 

They are so small, so fragile, so delicate and so pretty. They're still just blooming, I can't wait till they're in full bloom! Just having these trees to look at while walking home from the bus stop can make so much of a difference in my day. 

"Beautiful You" - Monk & Neagle

(just parts of the song I like most)

Every ocean, every sea

Every morning's a symphony

Every drop of rain, every waterfall

All the stars in the sky are so beautiful

Every breath I breathe, every beat of my heart

I feel so alive cause of who you are 

Every day I rise, every time I sing 

I'm reminded of Your great love for me

You're beautiful, so beautiful

Thanks for reminding me just how much You care for me.