books & reading

I started reading more, I will be honest I stopped really reading in probably...January. I was reminded of how nice it is. Actually holding a book in your hand & reading it, looking forward to finishing the story, interested to see how the characters change and develop over time. It also makes you interesting in general, when you learn more when you know more. I'm back to copying down memorable quotes that I hope to remember in the long run. 

training

Visited CMC today to help out with body worship & skits and see the leaders. It was so surreal, thinking that it had already been a year since I was doing exactly what I saw all the trainees were doing. I couldn't believe that I wasn't a trainee still, that I didn't have to stand outside and learn new body worship, that I didn't have to wake up and be at CMC by 6:30 each morning. I realized, I miss it. I miss seeing my teammates every morning till sundown, getting to know each of them, having to learn new dramas & skits everyday...messing up more often than getting it right (Frank La can attest to this) I miss becoming a team with my teammates..I really miss that idea of working with a team of people toward a goal. I miss supporting them and being supported by the teammates and leaders, the staff. I miss our devotion times, our prayer times, our times of laughter and lots of eating together. I miss PDub, our loving leader who loved us unconditionally for who each of us were, who led so quietly but so powerfully in prayer. Robin, Leader Robin, Soccer Robin, bodyworship Robin, all the Robins that so clearly just wanted the best for our team, to have a team that was glorifying to God and not to anyone else. And if I wanted to describe each of my teammates it would take forever and no one would continue reading. I miss working with a team.  I miss that high you get when your team rejoices together...it truly is a beautiful sight. I miss my journalism staff -- working with them & stressing, reading, writing, editing, working with indesign 24/7, frustrated with incompetent and dysfunctional printers for two weeks and then getting the paper out on time (and ... not on time) that Friday. It made it all worth it. 

I wish future Berkeley students had the chance to go out with KCM STSM. I wish they could just be a part of it, be part of the team, be part of the plan. It's funny, because Riddler my teaching partner must have felt the same way after visiting training today bc he blogged pretty much exactly the same thing. I wish I was going out again this year too, I wish I could do it all over again. But the harvest is plenty not just in Sihanoukville and Life University. go stsm 2k9!

In Your Atmosphere

Ben Yu sang this at cafe night yesterday, it was the first time I heard this John Mayer song...heartbreaking but so real. Under the clip someone wrote "the best songs are the ones with lyrics you couldn't say to the one you are writing them to" I would say it's pretty true.

I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore
I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore
I don't know what it's like to land
and not race to your door
I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore

I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore
I'm not sure that I really ever could
Hold on to a hotel key in your
Bedroom neighborhood
and go sleep-walking in Hollywood

I'm gonna steer clear
Burn up in your atmosphere
I'm gonna steer clear
Cus I'd die if I saw you
I'd die if I didn't see you there
So I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore

Cus I miss you
It sucks that I'm not mad

I dont think I'm gonna go to LA anymore
I get lost on the boulevard at night
Without your voice to tell me I love you, take a right
the ten and the two is a lonely sight

I'm gonna steer clear
Burn up in your atmosphere
I'm gonna steer clear
Cus I'd die if I saw you
I'd die if I didn't see you

I'm gonna steer clear
Burn up in your atmosphere here
I'm gonna steer clear
Cus I'd die if I saw you
I'd die if I didn't see you there
see you there

I think I'm gonna stay gonna stay gonna stay in the gray gonna stay
All the street lights say nevermind nevermind
All the canyon lines say nevermind
Sunset says we see it all the time, nevermind, nevermind.

life in LA

I just came back from watching UP again with my sister. First movie I ever re-watched in theater. It was $9 more, but it was worth it. I love being able to catch more of the tiny details and remember more of the lines, and watch my sister as she starts to tear up at the sad parts. My favorite line "Sounds boring right? But it seems the boring parts are the ones I remember most." So true, though. Driving through our old hometown brought back good memories for the both of us too as we drove past the path we used to take when we walked home after school...as we passed our old elementary school and the old courts where we used to get tennis lessons. It's always nice to be able to go back.

I've also been watching way too much of The Office. I finished season four really quickly because I was worried I wouldn't be able to finish it before my Netflix expired. But, now I'm well ahead and can't seem to stop myself. I'm already on season 5...But the story all makes sense now! It's incredible how each character plays his/her part so well. Did I Stutter?? (special shoutout to Steven Lee haha) and Pam & Jim are my favorite, I kind of keep watching just to watch their relationship develop. I hear they get married soon! Yayee. 

Barcelona/Madrid, Spain or Siena, Italy?? Spring '10! I was so sure I was set on Spain but I've recently been persuaded to think about Siena, apparently it's amazing & life changing. It's hard to choose where you want to live for an entire semester. We'll see. 

I wanna get on a plane this summer, and not to Berkeley. Where to go...where to go...

Family

I think family relationships can be some of the toughest you deal with and struggle with all your life. You deal with them, constantly and you love them the most and yet it's just so hard sometimes. They know you in ways you don't know yourself, they reveal to you things you didn't see/things you didn't know you embodied. With others, you can pretend to keep a distance, keep space and pretense, barriers and walls. With family it doesn't seem as easy to do so. Perhaps that is what makes it more difficult. It forces you to face issues, it forces you to get involved when you wouldn't otherwise. Because getting involved is sticky. It sucks sometimes. You go through the tough crap together and make it out on the other side. Yeah, so gotta remind myself..this is just the tough crap part. You'll see the other side........soon.

Home

I am home! Visited my aunt & uncle for awhile. Being at their place was interesting, it's always like an in-between. It's not quite like being at school, but it isn't like being at home either. I always feel like I'm living in sort of a fantasy when I'm at their place. Four Seasons for lunch, nothing to really do, lounging around, learning about wine over dinner, food I wouldn't normally eat (especially after eating Asian Ghetto for 2 straight semesters...) But now I'm home! I drove home with my dad for about, 6 hours. I was a bit worried about what we'd talk about, how I would feel about the awkward silences that would loom in a car too small for us to both be in for six straight hours. But it was refreshingly (and surprisingly) very quick, and fun. My dad isn't very open or too talkative since my mom is usually that role when it comes to the two of them. But he's a great listener and...he loves to talk about Coco and Chanel. We talked about our dogs for about two hours.

Since I've been home, Coco and Chanel have been one of my main interests. I've been learning about their mannerisms, their likes/dislikes. They aren't even blood related siblings, but they were born on the same day and they have been together since. It's incredible how much they care for each other. When one is getting reprimanded and is put back into their little house-area, the other one will sniff around him to see if he's hurt anywhere. Coco is more of the outgoing and explorer type, Coco will always go first and check the area and once he gives the ok Chanel will follow. Chanel is weaker-limbed and shyer. When they sleep they always make sure they're touching before they fall asleep.

Other main interest, playing with Susan and Shwang. HAHA. We do this too often, but it's nice to be reunited. It's nice to be so close and not have to just ichat. It's nice to talk. to drink starbucks. play cards. eat. drive.

Driving. At first it was really scary, it's intimidating having my own car. But I'm slowly getting into the groove of things...it's really just a repetition of a bunch of set rules, most of the time. Now that I'm driving I've somehow become the family's official chauffeur for all things necessary, namely rides to and back from school.

Since it is June 12, shoutout to Matthew Kim! Happy Birthday :)

one month in socal

Today is my last (full) day in Berkeley and it makes me feel odd. I know it's just a month, but it's weird that I'm leaving. On the flip side, I am STOKED to go home and be in socal!! As I always do when I go on summer vacation, I will make a list of all the things I plan/want/hope to do during this month:

-eat momma's cooking and not worry about feeding myself
-play with doggies
-walk the doggies...maybe I'll even jog...maybe
-reunite with KOB!!
-start & finish a korean drama
-visit CV
-eat all you can eat korean bbq w/ ddukbossam
-mario's peruvian..mmmm!
-sue's wedding
-deuh-righ-ee-beu
-visit KCM 2k9 STSM trainees!
-cambo 2k8 party!
-old pas, 3rd street
-visit MOCA
-disneyland!
-spend a day at the bookstore
-meet up with people
-shopshopshop
-go hiking with the fambam


list to be continued.....

random post

I apologize for the previous emo post. Korean has that sort of effect on me when I post late at night as a result of caffeine intake. Sigh. I'm not emo, I promise!

*

Berkeley is sort of like a ghost town during the summer. The city is still busyin & bustlin but the campus itself is so empty it's kind of eerie at times. It's nice not having to walk past hordes and hordes of people though. And the campanile's under construction so it looks kind of freaky o_O I like the Campanile so much too...

After getting my wallet stolen last week I am slowly recovering with my new ID card and debit. But since I don't have my bus pass I've been doing everything possible to not use the bus (bc otherwise you pay $1.75 per ride, that's ridiculous!) It's been tiring though....I never knew how much I relied on that little square sticker.

My family got two new dogs this past week! Coco & Chanel, maltese. I'm so excited to meet them and befriend them once I go home. It's so weird it's kind of like we have 2 newborn babies in our family again, my mom calls me and has 15 minute conversations with me...just telling me about coco & chanel and what they've been doing. It's kind of cute, kind of odd to get used to. My mom acts like she doesn't like them (she was never too keen on dogs) but you can hear it in her voice, she's already getting attached to the cute little balls of fur. Dogs are so interesting..they're almost like humans! They have so many human-like tendencies. My family has never been too big on pets. The first time we got a turtle and it ended up stinking up the entire bathroom & section of the house we put it with our koi fish in our backyard pond and it disappeared forever. Sad to say, none of us really cared. Then we somehow got 4 hamsters and man those things multiply. One day we wake up to 12 little hamsters. We gave them to Petco but kept 2 behind to satisfy my brother's wishes. One night I heard hamster noises in my room as I was trying to go to sleep even though the hamster cage is outside in the living room. Somehow the little munchkin had managed to squeeze its way out of the cage, find its way to my room, and then find its way back to its cage all in one night. The idea kind of creeped me out, so we returned them all to Petco the very next day. What's my point? Hopefully these dogs are here to stay!

시간이 지나 내가 잠시 까먹었나보다

그래도 한때는 나한테 소중했던 그 사람들이였는데

어느세 내가 그걸 너무 잘하는것같다 

머리속에서 끄집어내는 행동, 

하나 하나씩...나를 아프게 하는 모든것을 까먹는짓을..

그짓을 내가 이젠 너무나도 잘한다 

기억들, 순간들, 사람들

어쩌면 한때 나를 그렇게 행복하게했던 그 순간들이 

왜 이젠 기억 조차도 남지 않는걸까? 

근데 그건 더 아프다 

오래오랫동안 생각나지 않았던것들, 기억나지 않았던것들이 

자기 마음대로 나타나 나를 괴롭힐때

어디선가 다시 돌아와, 원하지 않는 순간에 드리닥칠때

그게 더 아프다

-------------------------------

넌 어디서 왔니?

cambo 2k8

today i really miss cambo 2k8. 

our awkward beginning

intense trainings

meeting riddler as my teaching partner for the first time, most awkward conversation of my life (hehehehehe)

learning just how big james' mouth could get 

all the boys making fun of ket's voice mannerisms

esther & me seeming like spoiled brats from berkeley who rented a hotel room during intensive, when really the truth was we were homeless bc we didn't know anyone who lived close to CMC who could take us in

andrew park photography photoshoots

all. the skits. minus puzzle heart & king of hearts (haahaha)

mexico, fish tacos, manzana lift, beach

driving to a random military warehouse for no reason, only to drive back to REI where all the boys decided to get matching crocs 

the night we spent packing and packing...and went to LAX at 4 AM.

13+ hour plane ride, james sitting all alone w/ a broken tv

Life University...colorful fobby blankets and mattresses & pillows

4 hour car ride to Sihanoukville

cockroaches the size of my hand 

more fobby colorful mattresses and pillows

meeting missionary Kim and her awkward self. 

gongjoo geems

pdub's bleeding love story 

our first version of doing obsession

one on ones with our team 

bunthi

first day in class 8A, last day in class 8A

the day we met the chinese missionary students 

hearing the chinese missionary students already praying and worshipping at 6AM

to be continued....

Because really, I feel like I'm trying really hard. And for what...

And what is it that I wanted in the first place?