the healing process

People are so easily shaped and formed by their surroundings. But sadly, we as humans let the hurts linger more often than the joys that may actually come by more often. We let the hurtful words dwell in our hearts, we let the wrongs that others have done to us sting for far too long, and we refuse to let them go from the firm fist we've created around these painful scars. When we try to do something good, we remember the criticisms and doubts that others have brought up to us. When we move in courage, the hesitation grips us.

Each experience changes us forever. The scars root themselves deep within our fibers and then they get comfortable. We will never be the same, I will never be the same. Healing takes much longer for this reason. The scar is rooted, and it's comfortable. And though we don't know it, we allow it to get comfortable. We internalize it, we remember it, and we cringe in that memory. But it happens. Healing's job is then to go deep where that pain, find the cause of it (which is is hard to do when it's hidden behind all the other junk in yo trunk) and root it out. In that healing process, you must face all the ugliness, all the pain, all that you had forgotten as you let it sink deeper, deeper. Like in surgery, when you're opened up and your rotting/dysfunctional organs are in plain view for all to see. This must happen for there to be a replacement...for there to be a new organ placed inside. This may mean new words of encouragement, it may mean new trust, new understanding, it may mean forgiveness. But as is true in post-surgery recovery, it takes time for that healing process to take full course. It takes time for your new organ to get comfortable, it takes time for this healing to take root within the walls of your body. That's why you must be patient with healing. That's why I need to be patient with this healing...

counteractive measures

I deactivated my facebook for a few days because I really wanted to buckle down on studying for my last (and final) midterm of the month. Sigh, talk about burnt out. A month is just too long of a time to constantly be thinking about one test and then the next. But anyway, because I don't have facebook anymore I found myself looking up recipe blogs instead. I've actually created a rather long list of foods I would like to try my hand at once I'm done with these ceaseless exams. Cooking is something I try not to do too often because I get so discouraged each time I do and it doesn't come out the way it looks in the pictures or because I put too much of one ingredient and not enough of the other. I usually make something and then eat it all by myself because I'm actually quite self-conscious about what my food tastes like. And then I never cook that dish again. Boohoo. I wish I could cook something and make it yummy so I could actually feed other people with it....someday Rachel.

One thing that's been relieving me of my stress is the added stress of planning for my study abroad next fall! It's basically come down to Hong Kong, the UK, and Japan..why is it so hard to decide where to live for 6 months?? Any of you been to any of the said 3 countries? Care to share? :D

BTW: I don't know if the sale is still going on but Southwest is/was having a massive sale on flights! I purchased tickets to socal for $25! Ever wanted to go somewhere, just because? Ever wanted to "get out of town?" This is your chance for the best price you'll ever see! Doesn't get better than that people, jump on it!

허전함=emptiness

"One of the real tests of writers is how well they write about smells. If they can't describe the scent of sanctity in a church, can you trust them to describe the suburbs of the heart?"

I want to learn how to write about the scents.

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오늘 한국어 반에서 "허전함" 에 대해서 배웠다.

난 어린 애 였을때 이 감정을 처음 느꼈다.

교회가 끝나고 엄마 손을 잡고 집으로 다시 행하는 그 길...

왜 갑자기 이상한 허전함이 내 마음을 넘쳤을까?

그때 났던 생각이 지금도 기억난다...

그 감정을 처음 느꼈을때 정말 이해하기 힘들었다...

그 떠나기 싫은 느낌? 마음이 갑자기 텅 비는 그 기분

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My attempt at providing some sort of translation...

Today in Korean class we studied the word 허전함 which basically translates to "emptiness of the heart." (FYI Korean is a beautiful language that I personally believe oftentimes conveys a thousand meanings that English just simply cannot convey. Either that or I don't fully understand the etymology of enough English vocabulary...) Anyway, I remember when I first encountered this emotion as a young kid. It is memorable because I actually remember the moment feeling this weird emptiness. It was as my dad was pulling our car away from the family retreat site. I looked behind to steal my last glance at our cabin, it was 3 nights of just pure fun while the adults did service. I can't even remember what was so fun about that retreat but I remember that exact moment. I remember not wanting to leave. It's a trivial matter, one that makes me laugh in hindsight. I didn't know what the word was, or how to describe the feelings in my 7-year-old heart. At the time it just seemed like I was having so much fun there and I knew that if I went home I wouldn't have as much fun.

I still get this feeling sometimes. It's like when you're having a really great time with someone and then the night comes to an end. 허전함.

Or when you expect something to happen, and then it doesn't. 허전함.

Or when you had the perfect dream, and then you wake up. 허전함.

And sometimes, it's just the smallest thing that you wouldn't expect to leave you feeling so 허전해 and then it surprises you...

what dreams may come

Today I really struggled to get out of bed. My alarm rang at 8 but I didn't move till 8:45. But in my dream my boss told me to go back home and rest because she didn't want me to get sick at work.

I came to work, and I'm still working.

It would have been nice if that wasn't just a dream. T-hee

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My roomie recently added The Science of Sleep, Vicky Christina Barcelona & The Truman Show to her DVD collection. I'm so lucky she has a growing DVD collection. Because winter=Rachel stays at home all day and watches movies and drinks tea and eats yummy pastries while watching the rain pitter patter outside.

Did you know Boston already had their first snow this past weekend?

How enchanting.

to miss

When you begin to miss something, does that mean you are discontent with what you currently have?

I really have been starting to miss autumns on the East Coast. The very apparent changes of seasons with leaves changing, weather turning crisp, and winter clothes that slowly start to make an appearance. I miss apple picking with church members, coming home with bags & bags filled to the brim with yummy apples that my mom then proceeded to make all sorts of things with. I miss the Thanksgivings that meant New Jersey, Boston and Connecticut would be all reunited again. When we actually had a whole week off which made such road trips & family gatherings possible (since when does Thanksgiving break mean just Thursday & Friday off??) I miss Cape Cod, I miss New England.

Does that mean I'm really...discontent?

preparing for rain 101

It rained, hard on Tuesday. It kind of came out of nowhere and I was unprepared. I forgot how scary rain in Berkeley can be when it comes down hard. First, rainboots are a must. I've never had to buy rainboots until I came to school up here. I bought a pair my freshman year and I really liked them. They lasted me 2 years but I unfortunately have three fatty rips on both sides, leaving them pretty dysfunctional and useless. So when I had to walk to class I decided to opt for my other boots. Another pair that I've worn out so much over the past two years the soles are pretty much gone...with no traction/grip whatsoever. Silly me. I'm kind of in a rush walking to class so I start walking fast when I realized the ground was super slippery. Especially the red-bricked area where the crosswalks are. Before I knew it I slipped and fell on my knees just before I made it over to the other sidewalk. At that point I had two options 1) I could cry because it's kind of embarrassing and owww pain in my knee, that's bleeding for sure. 2) Laugh, because in the end it is funny how I fell. I opted for the second one because the first one would quite frankly only lead to more embarrassment. From then on I had to really make sure I carefully chose where I decided to walk. I kind of feel bad for guys who can't get rainboots because they think it's a girly thing to have. They in turn get wet jeans up to their knees and nasty socks & shoes :( My new rainboots are coming next week!!

Second, invest in a GOOD umbrella. What constitutes a good umbrella? 1) One that doesn't flip inside out, unless you want to be the entertainment for a random passersby 2) One that covers your entire body, preferably your backpack too. Unless you want to end up with soggy notes and bleeding leather wallets...

Third, a warm warm jacket. Rain in Berkeley falls both vertically and horizontally, no joke. It's amazing how much rain can get on you even when you have an umbrella. So get the jacket, stay warm, don't get H1N1!!

can you tell I started getting lazy toward the end of the post? Ok, no more writer's block! back to my paper I go!

***

Just discovered "Blush" by Plumb. It's good! In that love-story-song-pulling-on-my-heartstrings type of way.

***

Btw, is it just me or is The Office getting exceptionally funnier by the episode?? :)

In response..

In response to Calvin's comment on my previous post titled "What kind of man you should be looking for." First, I'd like to say that I really appreciate your comment, it's nice to know how you feel about this topic and that it gives me an opportunity like this to respond.

The excerpt was something that an older sister had sent me to give me perspective on dating and how to be wise when dating. But like you said, men should also expect and look for the same things that the woman in the excerpt mentions. After all, one cannot be "mentally perfect" when only the man is able to hold mentally exciting & challenging conversation. How boring would that be, if one person can't keep up. The same goes for spiritual perfection.

The sense of vulnerability and inferiority that was mentioned, I think that can also be true for women, depending on the dynamics of the relationship. Anyone who doesn't feel quite adequate enough, or as if he/she falls short would grapple with the need for constant approval from their loved one. That fear of rejection, that fear of losing someone you dearly love and have opened yourself up to, that is a scary thing. I think oftentimes we do crazy things to chase away that fear, as we do one thing after another to try, just try, to save ourselves from that rejection. To try and be as secure as we can. When really, nothing can make us completely secure in human love. Because, as it is human, it is inherently flawed.

Relationships, in today's generation, have really strayed from the biblical dynamic of relationships. In the sense that it has become all about "what can you do for me? What can I get from you? What kind of fit are you for me?" PJ's preached on this too, but the fundamental principle of the biblical relationship is the attitude of serving one another. If only we looked at each other, not for what we could take away from that person but if we sought out the ways we could serve them with our love, instead. If only we both were both prone to give instead of always taking. If only we saw each other as precious sons and daughters of Christ, children shaped into the image of our God, would we still treat each other's words, emotions, time, money so carelessly?

From my personal experience though, even this fails to fulfill every longing of my heart. Ultimately, human love is flawed and insufficient because in the end we weren't made for each other but we were made for a perfect God who loves, waits, and longs to be the one who meets and provides for our needs. To learn and know what it means to pursue Him first and foremost...that's what I'm struggling to do. It's not that easy in a world of movies and love stories that paint the perfect date and the ideal relationship. But that's the battle...

enamored

First rain of the season. I realized it's so much harder to get up when it's dark and raining outside...Lord, give me strength.

***

Today I woke up with this word in mind - "enamored." My missions team leader, pDub used to use it alot when he spoke to us. Be enamored by Him. The actual definition of this word, according to Merriam-Webster is "to inflame with love"

I want to be enamored by You, my Lord.

What kind of man should you be looking for?

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question,

"What kind of man are you looking for?"

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said "Yes.".

She began to expound..." As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household with out the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask "What can you bring to the table?" The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated "I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple minded man. I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a help mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself."

When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said "You are asking a lot."

She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

I changed my layout because I wanted to have my text font in Tahoma. But this green is overwhelming me and I don't like how everything is so bolded. How do you know what's important if everything's going to be bolded? and I don't know how to change just my text font. Blogspot is still hard for me to work with. Xanga was easier that way...hahahah

나무라는게

오랜만에 나무랑 연락이됬다...

하나님은 어떻게 아셨을까? 내가 필요했다는거...

정말 오늘은 그 다른 날 보다도 정말 필요했다는거

나무는 그래서 나무지...

뿌리를 걷어서 멀리 떠나지도 않고 항상 그 자리에.

pam & jim

Any office fans out there? I've been waiting 5 seasons for this to happen and seriously, couldn't have been better! I love Jim & Pam. Doesn't everyone want a boyfriend like Jim? (Okay maybe I'm exaggerating..) but really, you have to have seen the rest of the episode to understand. Sometimes, you just can't take yourself so seriously and have fun with it.

gardenstate and cold feet

I ended up watching Gardenstate again, for the second time. I watched it once a very long time ago but forgot all that it was about besides for the fact that Natalie Portman and Zach Braff were in it. I forgot how good it was and why, and seeing that the movie came out in 2003 when I was only 13 I can see why it was forgettable. I probably didn't get any of the jokes and references in it. My favorite was "Aldous...Huckstible. Yeah, that's his name" How are you supposed to understand that joke before you've taken junior year advanced english in high school? Right? It was a nice movie to watch though, I forgot how fun it could be sometimes to just sit and watch a movie alone and laugh out loud. Hmm, maybe that's just me..

It's getting colder and fall is settling in. I was walking to work the other day when it suddenly clicked that I was stepping and making crunchy sounds on the leaves that had fallen unto the sidewalks. I like the crunchy sounds :) Out come the scarves and thicker jackets. I've been meaning to get a nice Northface jacket since last winter. But they're so expensive... my feet are also getting cold while I'm indoors. I really don't like that the most. I wish my feet would always stay warm, I know some people's are always warm but mine are typically always cold. That's why I fold my legs and warm my feet, even during lecture sometimes. That might sound gross, but it helps warm my feet. My mom says its because I have bad circulation. How does one improve their circulation?