Sometimes I get so lazy that I'm even too lazy to spit out the gum I'm chewing. By then I'm too lazy to chew so I just leave the gum in my mouth.... kind of gross?

Everything made me cry this week. I just kept crying for no reason at times and at other times it seemed legitimate but then I cried way too much. Crying is relieving at times, to just let all of that go. But it hurts to open your eyes the next morning and owwwweee it stings!

Today my brother sent me a text that read FWD:FWD:FWD: God is going to fix two things tonight (BIG) in your favor. If you believe in God send to ten people. DO IT NOW! PUT HIM FIRST! Oh geez. Dear David, please don't believe things like this...

Tomorrow is my first (real) day with the kids. Lord, please let me love them!

Green Pastures

Today, I watched Green Pastures. They are an organization in Korea that takes in orphans and feeds them, cares for them, shares the gospel, and then teaches them many instruments ranging from traditional Korean flutes to the cello. They were a group of 29 kids touring in the states. The head of this organization is a man who gave up his profession as a doctor and then became a pastor.

These kids can play 2 to 3 instruments each, and when they play, they play with joy. Their bodies sway back and forth, the smiles on their faces seemed genuine. And of course, they are performing, but it seemed to be much more real than just an act to pull on heart strings. But it did pull on my heart strings. It made me cry, over and over again.

Because the whole night I was thinking one thing: what man can throw away, God can redeem so beautifully. What suffering & abandonment these kids must have dealt with... What hunger, and fear. What about their loneliness. If your parents won't keep you, then who will? But God kept them, and through this organization, they are able to be a testament to God's powerful redeeming love.

Biting my tongue.

But man it's so hard.

I need wisdom, so badly.

I need perseverance.

i can't sleep

I should be able to sleep early and wake up early. My schedule demands this control, I have 8 AM classes. I have avoided them like the plague since freshman year but this semester I really don't have a choice. But instead, I am suffering with insomnia and the inability to fall asleep. Every night a million and one thoughts run through my mind and drift into nowhere. I toss and I turn, only to find myself wide awake. It's not that I'm not tired, I'm sleepy & I bust out these really unladylike yawns every now and then which would make my mother cringe if she ever caught me. But still, I am up at 2:40 in the morning....writing this.

First days of school are always the same, they don't change much just because you're in college. You're still unsure of what to expect and you hope for a good professor and a good seat in the lecture hall. My 8 AM class would be worse if it was a tedious or boring class. It's quite the opposite. It's finally my first actual journalism class and I am SO excited for it. It's too bad I had to wait 3 years to actually enroll in my first journalism course but my professor seems pretty legit. I'm quite honestly tired of the theory of it all, the theory of communications and visuals and yada yada. I want to study journalism, the field, the work and hopefully I will finally be able to do that! Oh if only it weren't at 8 in the morning...

All my classes fall on Tuesday and Thursday this semester. Till now I've had a pretty even course load each day which made it bearable, I'm unsure if my body will be able to handle having it all loaded on 2 days, with classes back to back. I guess I'll have to wait to find out...(so why am I awake right now!?!? T_T)

I need to sleep. Goodnight world. In hopes for a better sleeping schedule...

The mind can often be very selective

TJ's

You know what is really good and not that expensive compared to the quality? Trader Joe's! They surprisingly have lots & lots of good stuff that doesn't burn a hole in your wallet either. Their drinks are really yummy and their artichoke spinach dip is delicious. I'm waiting to go back to try their instant Chai mix myself. Now that I have 8 AM's coming up this semester I realize I should have maybe asked for a coffee maker this Christmas...

in the rachelmobile!

Today, after having dinner & conversation with p.dub before leader peter's commissioning service, i had just a few minutes alone in my car before I had to go in. I realize that a car can sometimes transform into your mini-mobile-room. And you get to have some alone time every now and then...it's nice. But anyway, while I was just there, this song (refer to youtube clip!) came on. It was on my ipod but I had never actually heard it before. But you know sometimes when things are just timely? This was one of those moments

(v.1)

Purify this tainted soul

I'm tired of living life a fool

Soften up this hardened clay

To be a servant this I pray

A reflection of You I long to be

So Your kingdom I will seek

----

I will make my heart Your home

I surrender to Your throne

just get back on

Recently, I learned how to ride a bike. My brother taught me the other day after a very embarrassing string of events. Don't ask me how I made it to 20 without learning how to ride a bike...something most people associate with a normal childhood. Venice beach is nice because there's a nicely paved area where only bikers are allowed, and the water is literally right there. I would have appreciated it more too if I wasn't busy trying to balance and grab balance of my bike. I couldn't get it... each time I tried to ride for anything longer than 10 seconds I would lose all balance again and then try to avoid getting in people's ways which then led me to a beautiful disaster with the nearby sand and once, a poor elderly man who was minding his own business. The whole time David was behind me, even pacing me with a steady "1 2 3" to try and get me to learn. But he finally told me the key to balancing was to just keep pedaling. Even as you feel like you're losing your balance, you just keep pedaling and then you find your balance again. It's when you stop pedaling that it all comes apart. Try it next time! (If you're learning, that is)

Biking is actually really really fun, and it costs as little as $6 for an hour! Fun idea to do with friends/family/significant other!

Looks like I have to add one more additional resolution to my list of 5....

In 2010 I need to stop eating out so much, and perhaps refrain from eating Chipotle once a week, and exercise more. Sigh.... I really wish I didn't have to.

wisdom

Wisdom is so hard. If you can't talk to your sister about important stuff you want to be able to talk to with other women of God... how you gonna do it Rachel?

Sigh. Disappointment.

But in other news, www.noteonanapkin.tumblr.com for pictures & other random tidbits. I'm gonna do a trial of doing both...we shall see how it goes.

a new year

Hello 2010!

I feel this need/desire to leave. To go somewhere new and just be in a new surrounding. Coming home from Berkeley kind of felt like that, but I want to go somewhere that is not home and just relax & vacation. So I'm going to San Diego for...a day. I'm still looking forward to it, for now it's the best I got. So here we come SD! Matching totoro shirts and all...muahahha. Phils, SD zoo, nertz (probably), cambo 2k8 reunion, La Jolla, cliffs for the first time ... i'm excited!

I told myself I would read a lot this break, but suddenly my reading list has expanded. I don't really like reading multiple books at once because my mind can't handle it all and I inevitably get confused w/ all the styles and character names and etc. but currently I've found myself in a limbo reading:

1. Spiritual Leadership
2. When God Writes Your Love Story
3. Eat.Pray.Love

I will do reviews on some of them when I finish!

My family has tradition of having a family service each New Years evening. We share our year verses and then share our resolutions for accountability. My mother says she will bring the list of all our resolutions to the Lee family Thanksgiving brunch we have each year. This year will be interesting...lots of reshaping, stripping, and (I hope) blessing. Lord, give me the humility & strength to let go of this tight grip I have on the things you want from me. Ahhh, it would be an understatement to say I'm scared out of my mind.